Having avoided the tube for nearly ten years,
it was time to cast away all my doubt and my fears.
I paced platform one trying to relax and chill,
only six stops from Putney Bridge to Notting Hill
“Nothing to worry about” I kept repeating again
“It’s just like a bus, or a coach or a train”.
4 minutes to go, I read on the display,
an announcement about services all being OK.
I pace up and down but try to remain calm
knowing full well I can come to no harm.
Then it comes, that rumble and the squeal of steel,
my stomach lurches and I start to feel ill,
my legs turn to jelly and my chest starts to tighten,
I gasp for air and my senses heighten,
“I’ve got to get out” I hear my mind say
but I make myself stay and I will it away.
The doors hiss open and I step inside the hell hole,
I sit down and I fight to stay under control,
I look around for some friendly faces,
a glance at the map for some familiar places
and as the train moves, I want to be outside,
a few seconds in and I haven’t even tried.
I don’t mind the stations, it’s the journey between
and I sigh a relief as we reach Parsons Green.
Just five more stops and then I’ll be there,
we leave the station and I feel the despair,
darkness looms and my nemesis is back,
I am now in the middle of a full PANIC ATTACK!
The anger inside, the terror, the dread
the adrenalin feeding the fear in my head
the confusion, the pain, the mental distress
I must suppress, I mustn’t obsess!!
I must find an exit, I must find a way out!
Away from this torture, away from this doubt!
I pray for a way away from this day,
then i see it. My door out, Fulham Broadway.
And as I sit down on the bus, I look back and I think
“I failed” “I’m a loser” and my heart starts to sink.
Will I ever do this, or will I always be weak?
and these thoughts force a tear to roll down my cheek.
A young child looks back and catches my frown
her smile has the effect of simmering me down
And as I react by flashing a grin
I realise a strength that I have within
I will beat this, I know, and with this belief I have found
I’ll soon be back riding on the London Underground.